When I am in my car, even with the kids, that is my place that I do the best thinking. I have gone over almost every situation from the very recent all the way back to high school in my car. I think about things past, and I think about things yet to come. I have done a lot of crying and driving in my day. It works because the kids are behind me and can't see my tears. Tonight, I did a lot of thinking. I shed maybe a tear or two, and then continued to think. I can't really have a break down over any of what is going on right now...what is the point? What is going to be WILL be with tears or no tears, fear or no fear. Asking WHY ME is one of the most pointless things to do in life and wishing something had just "never happened in the first place" is a bit too simple for a 7 month long streak of emotional and physical waves of pain.
Today I found out that I will have to have yet another surgery for my arm. Bless my sweet doctor and his genuine concern for my well being, my children, and my husband. Would that all doctors could have the bedside manner this man has had these past months. He is sorry to have to do another surgery, but also worried because I have lost the use of a majority of my arm movements, and even with a broken humerus, "it isn't supposed to do that." I have some tests scheduled for this coming Monday and I pray for answers. One way or another, I pray for my arm to start moving and being useful to not only myself, but my family once more.
Happy moments were few and far between today, but that is why we SO needed to get away this past week! I am sure glad we did and I held on two fisted (because my hands are at least still working) to those happy moments from days past. Connor was extra snugly today and I will take that any day from him! He let me rub his little back as he placed his head on my shoulder after waking up from his nap. We had fun reading stories and playing with cars.
Work was good and then I had my Dr appointment. Joel met up with me at the doctor and I wanted to take him out for a mommy lunch after, but he has some sort of flu today. So home we went and he went straight to bed....which told me he really WAS sick because 5 yr olds fight naps every step of the way in this house.
David came home late and then at about 10 tonight we signed our loan documents for our re-finance...happy moment to be saving a little bit more money each month. That money will go BACK into our savings to pay off all of the medical bills from this year...it will take a while, but happy moment when we are financially stable once more :-) I haven't had cancer....got the all clear from the ENT earlier this year on the pathology report. I actually DO have an extremely expensive disease that is killing me, but that has sort of been placed on the back burner...I know right? For now, just going to try and meditate and do some more thinking. Too late for a drive tonight, but perhaps tomorrow on the way to Thanksgiving dinner. I look forward to being thankful all day tomorrow. Night all :-)
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